Topic: The Small Town Car

[seat safety switch]

After returning home from the Trans Mountain to Tide Water challenge where I ran The Hellica, there was an intriguing offer from a neighbour.

A free 1988 Lincoln Town Car.

Free?

Sure thing. It had been in a dude's field for a number of years (at least 3) after the alternator harness caught fire and the alternator boiled a battery dead. He finally got rid of it after he was mowing the lawn, hit a rock and sent that rock through the passenger side front window.

Well, I can fix a window. Bring it over.



With only 296,000 km on the odometer, this fine ride has many amazing features:

• Light-up keyholes which don't stop lighting up
• Interior lights which never turn off
• A mirror-mounted exterior thermometer which falls out
• Radar-controlled high beams which don't work because the high beams are blown out
• No alternator
• Power smokers' window
• Power 60/40 front bench seat
• A V8

We vacuumed out the broken glass, covered up the hole as best we could and left the Town Car to moulder for the winter. At one point, we attempted to move it but found the bald, cracked, 14 year old Goodyear Regalias were unable to navigate shallow snow even with the help of a posi.

But finally, winter left. We leapt into action.

The first step was to source a replacement alternator and alternator harness that didn't catch quite so much fire. Many 60s-80s Fords equipped with "1G" or "2G" alternators can have them replaced by high-amp "3G" units out of a 90s Ford.

Ours came from an OHV Vulcan V6 Taurus, and combined with the charge harness from a 1997 F150 from Pick N Pull, we were in business with just a little harness splicing.

First, run a charge wire to the starter solenoid positive terminal:



Run that wire over to the passenger side, because Ford did on the stock alternator harness and you're not really all that much better than them if we're being honest.



Then, ziptie the maxifuse holder from the F150 harness onto the fender liner or something, I'm not your mom.



Splice the green "charge on/off" wire from the dashboard alternator light into the extra plug you got with the maxifuse harness:



The F150 harness just clicks into place on the Taurus 3G alternator.



Last, clearance the 3G alternator so you can get enough swing on it to fully tension the massive serpentine belt that drives everything on this god damn car:



With all this done, we had a charging, running and working 1988 Lincoln Town Car with only about a hundred bucks in Pick N Pull parts and swap meet finds in the engine bay. But there was something else it needed.

Something more.

[seat safety switch]

With the help of ultimatt I managed to secure some fine winter tires for cheap. What's more, they were pretty close to the stock size of the car.



Today we put them on properly. They look pretty good.



They in fact look very, very good.



I guess you could say they are perfect in every way.



Only a little bit of rubbing when at full lock, namely doing parking lot donuts.



Sure, there's trim that needs work...





...but overall I think this will serve us very well at 2 Trans Mountain 2 Tidewater.

[Rathburn]

With all this done, we had a charging, running and working 1988 Lincoln Town Car with only about a hundred bucks in Pick N Pull parts and swap meet finds in the engine bay. But there was something else it needed.

Something more.

A furiously masturbating Australian behind deeply tinted windows?

[seat safety switch]

Today, in addition to taking some glamour shots around town, we replaced the distributor cap, rotor, wires and plugs. It takes a really long time to do eight cylinders, I don't think this V8 thing is going to catch on.

Here's what's left to do:

• Await RockAuto shipment (high beam headlights, drum shoes, drum rebuild kits, brake lines, windshield wiper blades).
• Install all parts of RockAuto shipment.
• Install Pick N Pull passenger side window into door.
• Figure out why the car thinks the doors are always open so we can avoid running the battery down every time we park
• Figure out why AM radio works but not FM radio
• Drive this thing to my job and freak out the squares by doing a posi burnout on mud-terrains in the visitor parking loop

[ultimatt]

Awesome.

[LilDrunkenSmurf]

Awesome.

[RockThePylon]

When is the blower going on?

[seat safety switch]

When is the blower going on?

The transmission makes enough whining and screaming noises to negate any audible benefit of a Roots blower.

Anyone know enough about purple go-fast sauce to help me hook this thing up?

[RockThePylon]

Super easy.

• Drill hole
• Stick jet through hole
• Laugh like a psychopath

[jellynuts]

A furiously masturbating Australian behind deeply tinted windows?

I laughed so hard over this, my wife wanted to know what was so funny.

Uh... Mike bought a new car. *scrolls up to show new car*

Wife doesn't understand.

Dodged that bullet.

[RedndWhite]

Super easy.

• Drill hole
• Stick jet through hole
• Laugh like a psychopath

Note: You're laughing maniacally because the laughing gas is leaking into the cab.

[bigdl]

So how long do you think it will take before it will try to kill you for the first time? 

[ultimatt]

What colour are you going to wrap it?

[seat safety switch]

What colour are you going to wrap it?

The painter's tape is temporary because I had to silicone part of the trim back on.

[ultimatt]

Salmon Metallic is my vote!

[GrantC]

Naw, it's gotta be VereistSchwartz.

[RedBimmer93]

I was wondering the General Grabbers were for... Looks stunning on the Town Car!! 
 
 
Come GBC

[tperkins]

This is very good.

[RockThePylon]

I was wondering the General Grabbers were for... Looks stunning on the Town Car!! 
 
 
Come GBC

Whoa, those are my old tires? Aka. Canuckrz's old tires?

[Canuckrz]

Whoa, those are my old tires? Aka. Canuckrz's old tires?

I thought the same thing, but different size, his are 235/75R15 from the sidewall in one of the pics. I miss those tires every now and again.

[seat safety switch]

Whoa, those are my old tires? Aka. Canuckrz's old tires?

These came from some shop in Vegreville. They're a little big for a Subaru.

[jellynuts]

I thought the same thing, but different size, his are 235/75R15 from the sidewall in one of the pics. I miss those tires every now and again.

I miss those green brakes. 

[RockThePylon]

These came from some shop in Vegreville. They're a little big for a Subaru.

Dang.

But that fender gap is tight yo.

[seat safety switch]

Dang.

But that fender gap is tight yo.

Yeah, I think this is what the kids call "hella flush."

I'm going to put on 3-D glasses and dab at a skate park while listening to Morrissey.

[darthekai]

lets see them glamour shots.

I almost acquired a 1986 mercury grand marquee for the cost of a couple gaskets and me inhaling a bunch of fumes.

Buddy was in need of a carb refresh, didnt want to pay to have it done. I said id do it if he gave me the car after he was done his semester of school. He said ok.

I feel like they would have been friends