Holy itshay it lives. After spending a few evenings troubleshooting with the help of members on discord (Thanks Zac, RTP, Canuckrz, SSS, and everyone else).
First, the timing belt was off. If you tried to crank, it just spun with no compression.
When the top cam was TDC, the crank was 180* wrong, but if the crank was in TDC, the cam was 90* clockwise. They should both be pointing up. Popped the told of the belt off, got it aligned, and put the belt back on. Was there damage caused by running the starter in this configuration? Probably? Maybe? Whatever. It has 140/150/140/140 compression.
Next up was draining the old fuel. Since I got a free fuel filter, I replaced that as well. It still wouldn't start, and we weren't sure if it was spark or fuel. Spark seemed to be okay, but it was difficult to test alone. Either way, I ordered a new dizzy and some spark plugs off rockauto.
Once the new dizzy showed up, I spent all of 7 minutes installing it. The car immediately started, but like... really badly. (I hate that <1min videos are just shorts, so apologies).
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/76UuekVChHQChecking codes, it was a code 14, which is the IACV. I had a spare, but I pulled off the existing one and cleaned it out. It make no difference. Zac mentioned he previously has mixed up the IAT and IACV plugs, so I tried swapping those... and the car seemed much happier.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Mpkha_5IETQGreat. Next up is picking up a plate for it tomorrow, so I can drive it on the road. After that is reinstalling the coolant to IACV stuff so it won't freeze in the winter, and then fixing the drivers side door, since it won't roll down more than halfway.